Monday | February 19, 2018
Discovery Of Prehistoric Corn Chips Turns Paleo Diet On Its Ear
Paleo dieters rejoice as archaeologists unearth fossilized remnants of prehistoric corn chips, which carbon testing shows to have been either barbecue or cool ranch flavored
Doctors Warn Against Mixing Dance Moves Without Proper Training
Local hospitals report sharp uptick in injuries to teenagers attempting to do the Stanky Legg while getting down low to hit the Quan
ISIS Takes Credit For Relatives Overstaying Welcome At Thanksgiving
Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel
ISIS Takes Credit For Increased Cost Of Thanksgiving Dinner
Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing
health BRIEFS
Russ Coleman, Famed Author Of Pithy Bumper Sticker Sayings, Dead At 83
The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck
Starbucks Introduces New Heathen Holiday Blend
The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering
Michigan Football Team Boycotts Game Over Ugly Cheerleaders
Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders
SeaWorld To Phase Out Anything Sea-Related, Will Reopen As 'World'
The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through
American Eagle To Stop Carrying "Pedophiles Aren't Made, They're Born" T-Shirts
The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs
McDonald's New Sharmel Shake Available Only For Limited Time
Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so"
Next GOP Debate To Feature None Of The Candidates
Hewlett-Packard's Two New Companies Each Split Into Five More
Jasmine V Pregnant With Alien Love Child
  • Obama To Release Thousands Of Prisoners If They Promise To Vote Democrat
  • Anti-Gun Pro-Climate Feminist Activists Say This Election Platform Made For Them
  • New Halloween App Lets Kids Trick Or Treat From Safety Of Home
  • CVS Says Sale Prices On Halloween Candy, Razor Blades Just Coincidental
  • Mets, Royals To Blindfold Shortstops For Next Game
  • Schools To Eliminate Letter Grades, Replace With Thumbs Up Icons
Kevorkian Tapped To Head Death Panel


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