Saturday | October 3, 2015
Hurricane Joaquin To Become "Hairy And Weird" As It Rolls Up The Coast
Forecasters say Hurricane Joaquin expected to transform from a coherent, sensible storm to a rambling, meandering mess as it drifts into obscurity north through the Atlantic
Boehner Posts Resume On Monster, Can't Even Get Recruiter To Call
John Boehner disillusioned at lack of jobs for someone who only works nine months per year; says he would teach but "how can anyone live off of that?"
Donald Trump, Matt Damon Team Up To Slander More Minorities, Ethnic Groups
Donald Trump picks Matt Damon as his running mate, says the pair have successfully alienated women, Muslims, Mexicans, blacks and gays, just need to offend Jews and Asians for the clean sweep
Carl Icahn Economy Video Tops 150 Likes
Economist Carl Icahn releases video warning of an impending Emu Market as "stocks zig when they should zag"; analysts concur that the billionaire "may have lost a step"
Millenials Upset At Lack Of Color Choice For Lunar Eclipse
Online petition gathers 50,000 signatures to ask NASA to schedule next super moon full moon lunar eclipse for a Saturday night, or at least earlier in the evening
China Hacks White House Sprinklers, Makes Muddy Mess Of West Lawn
Chinese President Xi Jinping storms off, condemns U.S. after President Obama refuses to share White House wifi password during dignitary's visit
Pope Francis Bets Giants To Beat Spread Vs Redskins
Pope Francis to become first sitting Pope to provide color commentary for NFL during Giants game tonight, hopes to see "un buen futbol smashmouth"
Doctors Warn Against Mixing Dance Moves Without Proper Training
Local hospitals report sharp uptick in injuries to teenagers attempting to do the Stanky Legg while getting down low to hit the Quan
Ben Carson Releases List Of Positions Muslims Can Hold
Ben Carson publishes list of traits he finds unacceptable in a president, including shifty eyes, a taste for light beer, and anyone who did not like Goldie Hawn in Bird On A Wire
Pope Says Way To Catholic Hearts Is Through Their Stomachs
Pope Francis announces new line of All-Beef Vatican Hot Dogs with proceeds of Pope's Franks benefiting victims of clergy abuse
Millionaire Endorses Millionaire To Lead Bourgeois
White House To Host 'Hardened Criminal Happy Hour' To Bridge Gap
China Hacks Middle Class Bank Accounts, Feels Bad, Deposits Money
Oprah Lands Jesus As Surprise Final Guest


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