Saturday | May 30, 2015
Obama To Take Scalpels, Sharp Objects Away From Doctors
The president noted that the days of doctors amputating the wrong limbs are over as everyone gets to keep all of their appendages under his new healthcare tactic.
TODAY'S TOP STORIES
Study: Axe Spray Makes Teenagers Smell Like Crap
And of those who smell like crap, a large percentage were found to smell like total crap.
Image Of Courtney Love Seen On Highway Overpass
State highway workers hooked up an industrial power washer and "sprayed the hell out of it."
Interplanetary Coalition To Shut Down Saturn
Preliminary plans call for Saturn's 31 biggest moons to be auctioned off early next year.
CAP NEWS BRIEFS
Retailers Disappointed In Earth Day Sales Numbers
Retail sales for the Earth Day shopping season fell almost ten percent from the mid-90's.
Todd Bridges Takes 'Willis Monologues' To Broadway
The show garnered critical acclaim during many off-Broadway performances at mall food courts.
SJC To Hear Challenge To Affordable Beer Act
Joe Biden said he doesn't care much about "Supreme Court stuff" but will follow this case.
Study Finds Many Old People Were Once Young
Despite the findings, many young people refuse to believe that some day they may become old.
Victoria's Secret Introduces Marriage-Saving Panties
The new line promises to instantly solve the myriad problems of all unfulfilled marriages.
Popeyes Chicken Reaching Out To Abandoned Bunnies
The rabbits will be making hundreds of the Popeyes franchise's loyal customers happy.
CAP NEWS TRENDING
CAP NEWS VAULT
Oprah Lands Jesus As Surprise Final Guest
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World Trade Organization approves putting 'Country Of Origin' labels on immigrants coming into the US to help Americans better target their discrimination «» JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «» ISIS rebels capture another Iraqi city Americans have never heard of but are led to believe is "very important" «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «»
World Trade Organization approves putting 'Country Of Origin' labels on immigrants coming into the US to help Americans better target their discrimination «» JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «» ISIS rebels capture another Iraqi city Americans have never heard of but are led to believe is "very important" «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «»