Wednesday | April 1, 2015
Study: Most Can Only Name One Peter Frampton Album
The administrators of the study admit that nobody under the age of 40 even knew who Peter Frampton was and nobody under 30 even had any idea what an album was.
TODAY'S TOP STORIES
Rock And Roll Hall Again Denies Johnny Bravo
The Hall claims Johnny Bravo is not eligible for induction as he never released an album.
Non-Asshole Discovered On Twitter
The instance in question is that of @montyQ22, who has been a Twitter member since 2008.
Coca-Cola, Pepsi To Start Using Less Battery Acid
Officials refute reports that the caramel coloring of the drinks causes stomachs to explode.
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Senate Passes Keystone Lager Pipeline Bill
Speculation is that President Obama will veto the legislation because he prefers Guinness.
Mascot Battle Angers Raiders, Hebrews, Spics
The National Anti-Mascot Coalition is pushing for mascots that better represent all honkies.
Scientists Find 'Telephone Interrupt' Gene In Kids
Researchers say this explains why children are rude whenever a parent talks on the phone.
Over 100,000 New Year's Resolutions Broken This Week
The latest numbers coupled with all those already broken make this a record-setting year.
Spelling Bees To Start Allowing Misspelled Words
Under the new rules, entrants will not be told if they spelled their word correctly or not.
ISIS Draws Beards, Mustaches On American Currency
Business leaders are fearful of how this barbarity will affect the dollar's buying power.
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Bush Reveals Top-Secret Alternative Fuel: Floam
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NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Apple accidentally unveils new watch at 12pm instead of 1pm after forgetting to turn device forward an hour for daylight savings «»
NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Apple accidentally unveils new watch at 12pm instead of 1pm after forgetting to turn device forward an hour for daylight savings «»