Saturday | April 19, 2014
Wile E. Coyote Killed In Central ParkWile E. Coyote Killed In Central Park

Police finally caught the wily critter after he ran out of fuel in his giant rocket sled.

Drunks, Lushes Pan New Alcoholism TreatmentDrunks, Lushes Pan New Alcoholism Treatment

Alcohol-related problems are reduced significantly if the alcoholic refrains from drinking.

Marc Price: I\'m Doing Okay, EverybodyMarc Price: I'm Doing Okay, Everybody

Price didn't want anyone to worry about him since he's been out of the spotlight for so long.

Newsmakers
Study: Most Can Only Name One Peter Frampton Album
@PeterFrampton

Study: Most Can Only Name One Peter Frampton Album

Secret Memos Reveal Wal-Mart
@DougMcMillon

Secret Memos Reveal Wal-Mart "God" Complex

Environmentally Friendly Car Runs On Excrement
@LarryKellerman

Environmentally Friendly Car Runs On Excrement

Hot Topics
Douchebags Finalize 2014 Dress Code
#DontForgetTheAxe

Douchebags Finalize 2014 Dress Code

Obama Strikes Pizza From 2015 Budget
#NoMeatLoversCombo?

Obama Strikes Pizza From 2015 Budget

John Tesh Shuts Down Own Social Media Site
#He'sNoGeorgeTakei

John Tesh Shuts Down Own Social Media Site

Newsreel
Girl Scouts: The Silent Killers

A new study shows that given the fat content of the cookies they sell every year, the Girl Scouts of America may actually be killing thousands of people annually.

New Birth Control Pill Works Retroactively To 13 Years

Proponents of the new drug call it "the ultimate in birth control" and say it can afford women the opportunity to determine if parenting is really right for them.

Report: Most Teens Can't Recognize A Newspaper

One positive finding from the report is that when shown a newspaper and explained what it was for, a lot of teenagers said they thought it was a "pretty cool" idea.

Profile Of An Olympic Failure: Frank Bradley

In this special report, CAP News takes a look at one Olympic hopeful who really had no chance of making the U.S. team but didn't let that stop him from failing.

Archives
Clinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast Augmentation
Partners

Giant Space Asteroids II - The Revenge!

Like most columnists, I started in this business for one reason and one reason only: to win the Nobel Prize for Column Writing.

Beruang Rebus
www.thechicagodope.com
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Roger Goodell National Football League
The NFL announces plans to go with rock, paper, scissors instead of a coin toss for playoff games.

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    Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» NBC confirms that Today co-host Matt Lauer will not be hosting the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi and instead will hand the reins to LL Cool J. "LL killed it at the Grammys and Matt's just gone stale," said one network executive. "Dude's like a black Ryan Seacrest, except funny." «» Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has signed a deal to appear in every commercial that will air during the Super Bowl, plus a few beforehand. "Who doesn't want Peyton's face on their product? Dude's the new Tom Brady," said one pundit. "I guess that makes Tom the new Tim Tebow." «»
    Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» NBC confirms that Today co-host Matt Lauer will not be hosting the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi and instead will hand the reins to LL Cool J. "LL killed it at the Grammys and Matt's just gone stale," said one network executive. "Dude's like a black Ryan Seacrest, except funny." «» Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has signed a deal to appear in every commercial that will air during the Super Bowl, plus a few beforehand. "Who doesn't want Peyton's face on their product? Dude's the new Tom Brady," said one pundit. "I guess that makes Tom the new Tim Tebow." «»