Sunday | January 25, 2015
Cleanup Of Solar Energy Spill Underway In Montana
Sales of sunscreen have skyrocketed throughout the area as officials warn of an extremely high UV index in towns as far away as 50 miles from the spill itself.
TODAY'S TOP STORIES
Actor Reginald VelJohnson Still Wearing Cop Uniform
The former television star can be seen wandering the streets still pretending to be a cop.
Patriots Accused Of Using Nerf Footballs Against Colts
Officials claim New England played the entire third quarter with the Nerf Vortex Aero Howler.
Kentucky Discovers Tunnel From West Virginia
Kentucky residents are wondering why people from West Virginia would go through the trouble.
CAP NEWS BRIEFS
Papa Gino's Perfects Non-Absorbent Napkin
The new environmentally-friendly napkin resists all liquids with which it comes in contact.
Islamic Radicals Target 'Garfield Minus Garfield'
The splinter group 'Garfield Minus Garfield Plus Garfield Equals Garfield' is behind this.
Study: Comic Book Females 'Improbably Busty'
Results show that their prodigious bosoms would interfere with their ability to fight crime.
U.S. Offers France Pick Of Any Celebrity For Next Peace Rally
Americans are always happy to assist as long as there aren't any other pressing commitments.
Baltimore Named Shittiest City In America
Baltimore takes over the top spot from Chicago, which celebrated with a triple shooting.
NFL Apologizes For Missed Call During 2008 Game
Film shows the official tried to throw his flag but was unable to release it from his belt.
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Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» Texas appeals court upholds ruling that bans sale of home abortion kits, says instructional DVD not detailed enough and needs better actors «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «»
Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» Texas appeals court upholds ruling that bans sale of home abortion kits, says instructional DVD not detailed enough and needs better actors «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «»